We leave for Taiwan in 1 month to bring our daughter home. I've been preparing our extended family for awhile now and I suppose I should go ahead and prepare any of you who read this who might be around Claire in the first few months she is home. I don't like being the bad guy but I'm afraid it's a skill I am going to have to develop. Let me explain.
Because we are adopting an older child (Claire will be 2 and a half on January 18th) the major obstacle we have to overcome is attachment. Claire has to learn that Jessica and I are her mommy and daddy. In her short life, she has lived in two different orphanages and also in a foster home. That means that she has been separated from caregivers who she might have identified as her mommy or daddy at least twice with a third time coming in just a few weeks. The natural thing for a child to do in this case is to just stop trying... to shut down. It would not be uncommon for her to come home with us and reject one or both of us (this is in fact very common) so Jessica and I are going to have our work cut out for us.
The good news is that we aren't the first people to walk down this road. There are a lot of good resources on how to deal with this and how to build attachment between ourselves and Claire. It isn't easy and it isn't quick and unfortunately, it's going to require me to be a bit of a hard case for awhile.
The number one rule of attachment for a toddler is that Jessica and I are the ONLY ones who are allowed to meet any of Claire's needs. This means that no one else can feed her, help her get dressed, bathe her, comfort her, and yes, even hold her. I know... not cool. I don't like it either but if this is what the experts say, this is most likely what we will do. Claire absolutely MUST learn that we are her parents... that we are the ones who love her and who will care for her and who will meet every need she has. After she learns this (it can take from 2-3 months all the way up to a year) we will lighten up on the rules but at first, I'm going to have to be the attachment nazi for lack of a better term.
So, if you see us with Claire a few weeks after we get home and we're out at the grocery store or something and you ask to hold her, please don't get offended when I say no. I don't think you have cooties or anything... we just have to do what is best for Claire in these first few months that we have her. We have so much lost time to make up for and from everything we've read, who she becomes as a woman later in life is going to depend a whole lot on if she can attach to us as a child. It's a really big deal.
That said, every single child is different... she might get home and attach very, very quickly. I've read stories of that happening but on the flip side, I've read stories of children that didn't attach for years and years and sometimes not at all. Most likely we'll fall somewhere between those two extremes. Either way, we absolutely could use your prayers as we prepare for this new journey... there's so much to learn, read, and do and no matter how prepared we think we are, I'm sure there will be many surprises. If there's one thing I've learned on this crazy train called international adoption it's that nothing ever goes quite the way you think it will and you should always expect the unexpected.
The Watson fam so has your back on this! Good post buddy! You guys are going to do great! Attachment is the hardest part of adoption...the reason i took an extra month off work with Ava. We are certainly praying. Love you guys. :)
Posted by: Mandy | January 04, 2010 at 09:51 AM
We all are so happy for you guys!!! What a way to start the New Year, knowing you are bringing your child home soon! I think that all of your friends and family will have your back...but I know that we all want to just hug her and make her feel welcome when you give the okay!!=) Congrats and if you need someone to keep the dogs when you go, let us know! (Its the only way that I can help, so I really would be happy to do it!)
Posted by: Angelina | January 04, 2010 at 10:08 AM
(Scott Stands Up and Applauds)
You are spot on! You need to be diligent and show Claire that you are her new mommy and daddy. We actually passed out the Post Adoption report which said the same thing and had the Doctor's Signature on it as many of our famlily didn't understand. (and still do not)
We are on our 2nd, We have a Court Date of 9/28/09, but no furhter info... Our first was from China.
Best wishes to you and your family!
Posted by: Scott | January 04, 2010 at 10:09 AM
Mandy, thanks for the prayers! We'll be counting on some attachment help from someone who obviously knows what they're doing!
Angelina... careful what you offer because we just might take you up on that if you think you can handle it. It's obviously crazy expensive to board the dogs for that long.
Scott, thanks for the ovation! I'm sure we're going to make some people mad... and I really hate that because I'm a people pleaser generally but what can we do? I like to make people happy but not at the expense of doing the best things for my kids.
Was your court date in Taiwan? I'm surprised you don't have travel word yet... who are you adopting through? Cathwel or somewhere else?
Posted by: greg | January 04, 2010 at 11:15 AM
I think it's wonderful that you are considering how your actions now will impact who Claire becomes in the next generation. You will all be in my prayers as you walk this journey. Godspeed, friend.
Posted by: Carol Reeve | January 05, 2010 at 08:28 AM
Yes, Taiwan. We are going through St Lucy's Center via Heartsent Adoptions. Been Pretty quite on the Receiving Information front. Another fellow waiting family heard from our agency that AIT was closed from the 1st to the 18th though when I emailed AIT, they said they are Closes on the 1st and the 18, but not through.
I'm hoping we are one of the families that don't hear about the First/Final Decree and just get told to Travel in 2 weeks.
Posted by: Scott | January 05, 2010 at 06:29 PM
No hard feelings are taken here, my friend. You do what you have to do, and we stand by you for it.
Posted by: whipple | January 06, 2010 at 11:58 PM
If you need any help keeping hands off my great-niece, all you gotta do is call in the Red-Neck Reinforcement! 'Kin Folk'from Alabam! I'm tickled pink to hear the news, eager to see her, but I will wait til the time is right! Unless, of course you need me...
Posted by: Denise Gentry Atkisson | January 13, 2010 at 02:05 PM